Well, tonight I start my running program, I printed it off from Couch to 5k. Am going to be tiny and cute in no time!

Had a hiccup today though, over ate and felt really sick, so I let it come up. I felt so bad! I had to do it, other wise id have been hanging at work all afternoon. its not something I’m happy with, I should have had more control and not ate so much, but i guess, its another day tomorrow, at least I have not spent any money today! yay!

Have to feed my dad's cat tonight, he has gone on holiday. Maggie, the cat, is a furry Ninja and will attack you at any given moment, so ill have to be careful, as I don’t live there, she is wary of me, but I feel like I have to make an effort with her as she is on her own all day and all night too, the neighbors are away too, so ill try and play with her, see if she interacts. He has also let me borrow the harp too, how nice of him. Only for the amount of time he is away though, he is too generous. Didn’t even get me a birthday present, now he is my only parent I expect more, he is not even meeting base level parenting. Again, as is the story of my life, he is letting me down as it’s the easy option for him. He is so lazy, arrogant and selfish.

I have to remember that his behavior is not a reflection on my self worth.

My Mother went through a lot to give me this body, I will look after it.

Now she is gone, I want to honour her and take care of what she gave me, I’m terrible at looking after myself, it’s a self esteem thing and I really don’t think I’m worth it. Essentially, I don’t think I’m worth being happy. Since she has gone, I realised that I owe it to her to be happy, to be healthy and to be slim. She gave me the gift of life and I’m throwing it away. How ungrateful can you be?

Currently I’m feeling pretty depressed, I tend to think myself into a hole and find it hard to get out of it. I base my worth on other people’s actions towards me, which I know is stupid. So, today, I’m trying to make a change. Here is how I will do it.

I will eat three meals a day, no binging. I won’t say I won’t snack, because I will, but I will choose better options, plain biscuits instead of chocolate, lower fat chocolate, instead of peanut packed caramel laden ones. I will try to eat my five a day every day.

I will make time to exercise at least three times a week. Even if it’s just a walk, or some yoga. I wanted to start training for a run at the start of this year, but got swine flu which I am still not really over. That has frustrated me no end, which I suppose is a good sign.

I will try to learn to like myself without craving cosmetic surgery or wishing my life was more like other people’s lives, if I am not happy with my own life, feeling down about it and being jealous of other people will not make it better. Just because someone is prettier, richer, lovelier or more fabulous than I am, does not make them more worthy than me. Ergo I am not a waste of space, useless or hideous. The hardest part is believing it. I am still convinced that if I was thin, beautiful and rich, my life would be amazing, I would be entitled. I would have amazing friends, do fantastic things and go to bed happy every night, looking effortlessly fabulous. My life would be satisfying. I would be who I feel that I should be.